POSTS  2010

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IMPULSES, CONSEQUENCES

and

THE FIVE STEP SELF TIME OUT

10-24-2010

I look at the weather forecast and my mood goes from light to dark.

Then, with very little awareness, I begin to treat my co-workers like dirt.

I look at my child and see the cause of my troubles and my anger.

Then, with very little awareness, I feel fine about retaliating.

I look at the car in front of me and see what is in my way and I believe it is the                      cause of my frustration.

Then, with very little awareness, I feel fine about tailgating.

I look at the electronic machine in my hand that won’t work and I see it is the problem that refuses to be solved.

Then, with very little awareness, I throw it into the water.

I look at the teacher who disrespects me and see the cause of my irritation.

Then, with very little awareness, I feel fine about disrupting the class.

I look at the disease of my loved one and experience rage and hopelessness.

Then, with very little awareness, I forget to take care of my self until I become sick.

I look at the bully who calls me names whenever he sees me. I feel rage and shame and powerlessness.

Then, with very little awareness, I can’t stop listening to him and then I can’t stop thinking about him, and then I begin to plan an elaborate retaliation.

I look at the person who thinks different, looks different, acts different or is different and I feel irritated and threatened.

Then, with very little awareness, I feel superior. Then it seems OK to treat them as inferior.

 

    Sometimes impulses last an instant.

    Sometimes impulses last a moment.

    Sometimes impulses last for hours.

    Sometimes impulses last for years.

    Sometimes impulses last for decades.

    Sometimes impulses last a lifetime.

    Sometimes impulses last for generations.

 

    The consequences for acting on every impulse last longer than the impulse.

 

The plans that don’t work and the plans that get me in trouble are old impulsive plans that never worked for my parent's parents, or my parents, or for me... but I act as if I am obligated to keep using them as if they worked.

 

My impulsive behavior choices are triggered when I choose impulsively to stay focused upon something that irritates me.

 

I FORGET THAT I GET TO CHOOSE WHERE I AM FOCUSING!

 

The MASTER IMPULSE MISTAKE is the choice to stay focused on somethng that irritates me or triggers me.  If I can choose to notice sooner and more often when I am over-focused on anything that triggers me or frustrates me... I will spend much less time and effort dealing with the conequences of my impulsive choices and more of my time making and doing plans that will work better and that I will continue to improve.

 

I am released from the impulsive focus when:

1. I notice something is irritating. I hesitate to continue choosing to focus on what is      irritating me.

2. I choose instead to focus on what my body is feeling. When I find out what my body feels then it is possible to find out what I need.

3. I can write down my feelings and needs or simple be willing to be aware of my deeper physical feelings like fear or anger or frustration.  If I know that I feel frustration or anger or fear etc. then it is easier to be aware of what need comes naturally from the pgysical feeling.  If I know that I feel afraid then I probably need safety.   If I know that I feel frustration I probably need to take a break or a time out.

4. When I know what my body needs then it is possible to make a simple plan that can work. I can make a simple plan that won’t hurt me and that won’t hurt anyone and won’t have negative consequences. I can write the plan down. I can do the simple plan. Then I will have feelings and needs about the outcome of the plan. Then I can make better and better plans.

5. I can praise myself for doing the most difficult human task. Making simple plans based upon what my body feels and what my body needs. I can take care of my own feelings and needs.

 

EXAMPLE:

I look at the bully who calls me names whenever he sees me. I feel rage and shame and powerlessness.

 

Then, with very little awareness, I begin to see him when I am not around him, I can’t stop hearing him tease me and then I can’t stop thinking about him, and then I begin to plan an elaborate retaliation. I am still feeling miserable shame and powerlessness but I give myself permission to get back at him.

 

But then a small part of me remembers there will be negative consequences. There always are. I hesitate in planning my retaliation. I notice that when I am away from the bully and I am focusing on playing a game or focused on doing my homework instead of thinking about the bully I begin to feel better. I decide to read an exciting book. Anything to distract myself. It feels better to be free of him. Then I decide to talk to my teacher about how to stay away from the bully. I stop feeling shame and powerlessness. I feel normal and assertive. I praise myself for doing the hardest work that humans can do. I am taking responsibility for my own feelings and needs so I can take responsibility for my own behavior. I choose to do this because I understand that my consequences will be better. The people around me will also have better consequences. CLICK ON THE IMAGES BELOW TO PRINT CHARTS

The Developmental Moment    10-22-2010

My parents (like all parents) had weaknesses.

Hundreds of times each day they murmured negatives to themselves. And they didn’t even notice that they were doing it. This impulsive negative self-talk (and not noticing it) was handed down to them from their parent’s most wounded parts.

 

I watched them take care of themselves this way. (Hurt themselves this way.) As a boy and as a young man I thought I had to do it their way. So that is the way I have learned to do self care. I impulsively murmur negatives to myself all day. And I don’t notice that I am doing it. Just like my parents did.

 

My parents also had strengths.

Sometimes they they were able to interrupt their negative self-talk and replace it with some positive self-talk. Their life and my life always went better when they chose to interrupt their negative self talk.

 

As A boy I noticed that sometimes I could also interrupt my negative self-talk. I even noticed that things went better. But what they did most of the time is still what i do most of the time. I unconsciously talk to myself in a very negative way. And I don’t notice it.

 

Here is what I am learning about negative self talk these days:

When I don’t bother to notice my ongoing negative self-talk it builds in volume, getting louder and louder. My plans stop working and I begin to feel more and more powerlessness and more and more hopelessness.

 

This is not just getting myself in trouble. This is what it feels like to begin to shut down the natural process of emotional development.

 

Normal Development is my natural and personal movement through the stages of life preset at conception like a flow chart in my DNA. My body wants to become everything God intended it to be. The “Little Boy” within me… my “Original Face” and my “Original Voice” … my “Free Will”… my Original Blessings from the Creator want to become everything the Creator intended. My healthy body (my healthy Being) always yearns to take the next developmental step.

 

Today for me in Mount Vernon, Washington I have all the typical burdens of my neighbors. I have fears and anxieties. I worry about my mortality, my son, my grand children, politics, work etc. This is the atmosphere humans are meant to thrive in. I do have enough food. I am not terribly sick. I am not in a war. There has been no earthquake here. My loved ones are all doing OK. None of these daily anxieties are dire enough to have a negative effect on my development.

 

War, famine, disease and chaos will however challenge my normal development. When I am terrified enough.. when I am negative enough, when I am depressed enough, when I am anxious enough, when I am focused outside myself enough, I stop focusing on taking the next developmental step. I begin instead to focus on SURVIVAL. My development begins to freeze.

 

But in good old Mount Vernon things are relatively safe for me here today right now. God is great. There is nothing to be particularly depressed about or particularly anxious about, and no particular reason for me to be focused outside myself. I live in an atmosphere where I can thrive.

 

But even though I am in an atmosphere where I can thrive I still impulsively murmur negatives to myself all day. I (unconsciously but voluntarily) choose

to create a crisis within myself that, to my body and to my Being, feels a lot like war, famine, disease and chaos. Uninterrupted negative self-talk will create enough of a false crisis to FEEL LIKE a real crisis. Continuing uninterrupted, my negative self-talk will slow down or freeze my development.

 

But of course if war, famine, disease and chaos did come into my life and I did not try to interrupt the negative self talk it would get worse and worse and worse. I would be so focused outside myself I would stop development completely. Instead of being focused in my body (which is the only place I know anything at all and is the only place I can get the information I need to survive the crisis…) I would be focused outside where Chaos rules. I would move toward Panic very quickly. Survival in the crisis would be much less likely.

 

So…

The Developmental Moment in safety or in danger is that moment when I do not do what my parents did when they impulsively harmed themselves or when they were so hard on themselves or when they did impulsively dangerous things. The Developmental Moment is that moment when I AM WILLING TO NOTICE that I am talking negatively to myself. At that moment and only in that moment do I have the power to shift to better self care. At that moment I have the power to shift from NEGATIVE SELF-TALK to POSITIVE SELF-TALK. At that moment I have the power to choose to stop freezing my development. At that moment I have the power to use the model of my parent’s STRENGTHS instead of impulsively choosing the model of their most impulsive moments (hours or days).

 

When I shift to positive self-talk my body FEELS different. I begin to fit into my body the way my body is. I begin to fit into the world as the world is. My plans begin to work better. I begin to feel better.

IN FORGETTING TO    10-18-2010

 

 

    There is meaning

    In planting the garden

 

    There is meaning

    In harvesting the garden

 

    There is meaning

    In forgetting to plant the garden again

 

    There is meaning

    In having the child

 

    There is meaning

    In hurting the child

 

    There is meaning

    In forgetting to heal the child again

 

    There is meaning

    In being a person

 

    There is meaning

    In being defined by others

 

    There is meaning

    In forgetting to define myself again

 

    There is meaning

    In employing the person

 

    There is meaning

    In destroying the job

 

    There is meaning

    In forgetting to employ the people again

 

    There is meaning

    In building the family

 

    There is meaning

    In destroying the family

 

    There is meaning in

    Forgetting to build the family again

 

    There is meaning

    In building the building

 

    There is meaning

    In destroying the building

 

    There is meaning

    In forgetting to build the building again

 

    There is meaning

    In creating the language

 

    There is meaning

    In destroying the language

 

    There is meaning

    In forgetting to build the language again

 

    There is meaning

    In finding Paradise

 

    There is meaning

    In destroying Paradise

 

    There is meaning

    In forgetting to...

IN FORGETTING TO

Or Did I Give It Away?

John 10:14 thru 18

 

     He said…

    “I know mine and mine know me.”

 

    He said…

    “I have the power to lay it down.

    No one takes it from me.

    I can only lay it down of my own accord.”

 

    He said…

    “I have the power to take it up again.

    This I have received from my father”

 

    I said

    When someone else is becoming more fully human

    And

    I am becoming more fully human

    We know the truth about each other

 

    When you and I

    Lay it down saying “no”

    Or

    Pick it up saying “yes”

    Honestly

    Simply

    Without permission

    Gladly responsible for the outcome?

 

    We become more fully human

    You and I amaze ourselves by what we can accomplish

 

    The world rejoices

 

    No one can take

    What is given by the Maker

 

    Sometimes I say “NO” just to find out if the miracle is still mine

    Or

    Did I gave it away?

04-04-2010

I can say yes.  You can say yes.

Or we can say no.

I can say no.  You can say no.

 

Each of us holds our own boundary.

 

You can choose not to focus upon me.  I can choose not to focus upon you.

 

Or we can say yes.  When it is safe we can choose to focus upon each other.

 

Each of us holds our own consequence.

 

I can make a choice that injures you and you can make a choice that injures me.  This problem shows itself when my choice in some way disallows your “No” or your choice disallows my “No”.

 

Similar problems also arise when we try to confuse or control each other’s free will.  People who are being too clever or too self-absorbed convince themselves that tactics and strategy are justifiable in some or in all circumstances.

 

Another problem for every human is that we are always partially unaware of our motives.  In order to be honest with myself I need to be aware that I am not completely aware of my motives with you.  Also in order to be safe I must remember that you are only partially aware of your motives relating to me.

 

That is one reason why positive or negative assumptions are so damaging and dangerous.  If I am not completely aware of my own motives and you are not completely aware of your own motives it is completely goofy for me to believe that I can be aware of what your motives are.

 

When someone decides that the boundaries of the Other do not exist or are not as important as theirs or aren’t important right now, then the Other is with someone who is currently not safe to be around.

 

Any person can choose to bring negative consequences to any other.

 

Whoever breaks a boundary is not being safe within them selves.  They are choosing negative consequences for themselves.  Whoever is breaking the boundaries of others, began hurting themselves some time ago.  They began neglecting and abusing their own boundaries some time ago.

 

When I have injured you, part of my consequence is that I have the burden of having injured someone.  I have lost my orientation and amso focused upon you that am not aware of the consequences of my choices.   have lost your trust.  I may have lost it permanently.  Am I aware of what this means to me?  Do I experience the loss?  Do I get that I am in a crisis with my life at risk?  Do I get that the isolation I am creating for my self by hurting others leaves me alone with myself.  I have created isolation for myself and I may not know how to stop building isolation for myself.

 

The victim has the burden of the actual injury.  In addition they have the burden of fixing their own boundaries after being injured by another.  Usually someone who has been injured chooses to wait for the person they feel has hurt them to fix things.  This never works.  If the person that hurt me apologizes I still cannot trust them and I still don’t feel safe with them.  I cannot trust the person that I feel hurt me... to make me feel safe.  They cannot “make me“ feel anything.  Especially... they cannot make me feel safe.

 

The victim has even more trouble when he or she is hurting their own bodies or their own feelings.  They have the burden of the feelings associated with the injury they caused themselves and they also need to figure out how to protect themselves from themselves.  Who is the bully in this situation?  How do I have boundaries with myself?  Can I say "no" or "stop" to myself.  Can I make amends to myself?  Which part of me needs to heal?  Is there any part of me that knows how to stop hurts from the inside.  Is there a part of me that knows how to stop hursts from the outside?  Which part needs to stop what?

 

The toughest thing to learn about these realities is that in each of our lives in each of our various relationships each one of us is sometimes acting as “victim” and sometimes acting as “the one who hurts others”.  Each of our relationships has different politics and each encounter with each person has different politics. Within a single relationship each person plays both the role of “victim” and the role of “the one who hurts” depending on the situation and depending upon our mood.  When humans are being impulsive they are being relatively unaware of their motives and unaware of what is actually going on around them and what role they are playing.  The more anxiety I have the more impulsive I become the more unsafe I will likely be.  If you choose to be around me you will become more anxious and more impulsive.

 

If I know that someone can be dangerous to be around and I choose to spend time with him or her, and then I choose to be tricky with them or judge them or try to get them to do something... I am being a pretty aggressive victim. I am choosing to do dangerous things with a dangerous person and then expecting that person to keep me safe by acting like a safe person.  A less impulsive and much less dangerous approach would be to get some support from someone who has shown themselves over time in many situations to be a safe person. Someone like that can help me make a less impulsive and less manipulative plan to create boundaries for myself and create some safety for myself.

 

When a child has been severely or repeatedly brutalized, he or she may have reason to believe that their free will is lost forever.  He or she may not be able to say an honest “yes” or an honest “no”.  He or she may not be able to hear when others need to say “yes” or “no”.  He or she may not be able to tell the difference between yes and no.  He or she may not believe there is a difference any more.  He or she may need to believe there never was a difference between yes and no.  He or she may need to believe that there never was a difference between good and evil.  When I believe there is no difference between “Yes” and “No” I am also believing  that there is no self.  When there is no “Self” there is no hope of valuing my self in simple ways. When there is no "Self" I make it impossible for me to know what I feel so I can find out what I need so I can make a simple plan to meet my basic needs.   When there is not “Self” there can be no “Other”.  When there is no Other, I feel lost.  I feel hopeless.

 

There it is.  You can see it. It is the child’s simple terror of being neglected or of being physically hurt or of emotional annihilation in the next moment.  You can see the caved shoulders, the bent back, and the shrunken, shaking spirit walking off the cliff of hopelessness.

 

There it is.  You can see it.  It is the child’s terror of parental disownment or disappointment. You can see the unbelieving astonishment of the child who knows the person who they count upon for survival disapproves of them or whishes they weren’t there or acts as if they are “just a burden”.  The child believes they will not survive and may not deserve to survive.

 

There it is.  You can see them wishing for fetal retreat.  Wishing for a return to the safety they imagine existed before birth or a peace they imagine will return to them after death.  Hopelessness.

 

There it is.  You can see it.  It is the rage of the survivor grown to adulthood.   Their self talk an ongoing and repeating tape of self criticism, self disappointment, self negation, and the denial or neglect of strengths.  We often are unaware of this self talk tape.  But it plays and plays and the core of us is beaten down.  Our spirit still shaking, body still caved in, although he or she may try to straighten themselves. Our lashing rage makes the vicinity we occupy a danger zone.  Life may appear normal.  Achievement may occur but he or she will not believe it is deserved or believe it to be real.  Worthlessness hovers as an isolating fog.  The deepest blessings and the best fortune are easily discounted and easily abandoned.

 

Or with some healing he or she might sustain some relationships and not completely refuse the blessing or completely discount the good fortune but the fog will hover and will sometimes dominate life.  Is there an eraser of memory?  Is there a way to splice in some better memories?  Is there a chemical cleanser of shame and of worthlessness?  Is there a technique for grafting un-wounded cells that can spread an experience of belonging in a stiff and self-isolated body?

 

Is there a way to turn the gaze away from the failings of self of parents of loved ones and of cultures? Is there a way to stop focusing on the assaulters and condemners and abandoners?  Is there a way for the memory of hurts to be less important?

 

Is there a way to learn to look inside without disappointment?  Can I learn to care for myself as if I am worthy of good boundaries?  Can I learn that I voluntarily choose to build boundaries for myself from clear and simple “Yes’s” and “No’s”?  Can I learn to look upon myself with the eyes of a steadfast listening parent?  Can I learn to look upon my child within as a worthy, developing and unique voice in the world?  Can I look upon the child within as beloved and never to be used or ignored or condemned or forgotten?  Never to be abandoned or lost?  Never to be shamed or assaulted?  Is there a way that I can give this to myself?

 

Yes.

 

I can say yes… and then I can take responsibility for the outcome.  If the outcome is unpleasant I can choose to gently learn from the outcome.  I can use the feelings that come into my body to learn what boundary I need and I can choose to build that boundary.

 

Or I can say no… and then I can take responsibility for the outcome.  If the outcome is unpleasant I can choose to gently learn from the outcome.  I can use the feelings that come into my body to learn what boundary I need and I can choose to build that boundary.

 

Each of us holds our own boundary.

 

I can choose not to focus upon what feels crumby.

 

I can choose not to let in the judgment, disappointment, manipulation and pushiness of others.  I can choose to walk away from such behavior and build a boundary.

 

I can choose to stop myself when I do such things to others.  I can choose to stop myself when I do it to myself.

 

I am making amends to others I have hurt and to myself (whom I have also hurt) by being gentle with myself when I make mistakes.  This makes it possible for me not to make the same mistake again.  I will be safer to be around.

 

Each of us holds our own consequence.

 

Each of us holds our own conscience.

HOLDING MY OWN CONSCIENCE    03-09-2010

All deception is self deception.

DECEPTION    02-28-2012

 

YOU CAN NEVER LEARN TO MEET MY NEEDS    02-28-10

 

Now I have learned that my hope and my power is not that you will finally learn how to meet my needs. My hope and my power is that I will learn how to better meet my own needs. My faith (from my own experience and from my surrender) is that when I keep myself safe, I nurture my own safety. I soon begin to feel more powerful. I am willing to notice when I am being abusive to myself or when I talk down to myself. At those moments of interrupting the negative I can remember that it is simpler to be positive. I can be positive with the motive to be simple not with a motive to try to force myself to do something or to do things in a particular way. When I am negative in order to try to get myself (or others) to do something different I just end up with power struggle.  I feel hopeless and alone.

 

OWNERSHIP IS TRULY TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR SOLVING A MY OWN FEELING PROBLEM.

 

OWNERSHIP IS CHOOSING NOT TO TRY TO GET SOMEONE TO FIX MY FEELING PROBLEM FOR ME.

 

OWNERSHIP IS NOT GETTING MYSELF TO BE FIXED.

 

OWNERSHIP IS LISTENING TO MY OWN FEELINGS AND NEEDS AND MAKING AN HONEST EFFORT TO MAKE A BETTER PLAN WITH MORE SELF RESPECT AND MORE RESPECT FOR MY OWN BOUNDARIES WITH OTHERS.

 

When I notice there may be a problem, it does not mean that you are the problem or that I  am the problem.  That way of looking at problems creates complexity and power struggles.   If it is not a problem with you or any other person and it is not a problem with my self then what is the problem? If there is a a plan that isn't working well enough, it is more simple to let the problem be "the problem". Choosing not to blame others or the self is the first step toward OWNERSHIP and the first step toward simplicity.  It is also the best way to choose to stay out of power struggles.

 

When I keep things simple my “problem” consists of one skill to learn or one plan to improve and follow-through upon. When I avoid power struggles with myself or others and stay focused on learning the next skill or following through on making a better plan THAT is when I am engaged in development. The skills grow and the current problem melts away into whatever the next problem will be. Yes... there will always be the next problem. But keeping things simple so you can solve one problem is no small thing. It is THE GREAT VICTORY. When I engage in negativity and self manipulation or in attempts to manipulate others (power struggle) to try to get my needs met I am choosing to be complicated. When I choose to make things complicated I am choosing to avoid solving the "Problem". I am choosing not to follow-through on a simple plan. I am choosing to voluntarily slow down my own development. This is also no small thing. The consequences are HUGE!

 

Sometimes the unconscious motive of complexity is to avoid solving problems. Sometimes solving problems is not legal for me to do. I learned as a very young child in my family of origin that about some issues, in order to be loved I needed to stay the same and keep the same complicated and manipulative plans even when I was aware that the plans would not work for me. My family of origin may teach me that some problems can be solved but some kinds of problems can not be solved. Sometimes my family of origin teaches me to blame others or blame myself instead of solving problems.

 

Good support works because I get to talk to someone who chooses to listen without judgment and disappointment. That is the right atmosphere to learn how to clarify the confusion that comes when our family of origin has taught us not to solve certain kinds of problems.

 

We never begin with nothing. We never have to start from zero. The skill I need to improve is always a skill I already have or at least I have an incompletely realized capacity that God gave me. My family may confuse me in some ways but all the complex human skills I do have that do work are either part of my families genetic strength or part of their emotional strength.  That is why they call personal growth... development. I already have good capacity and strengths (my blessings) and it is time to gently and lovingly grow them. It is the most complicated approach to say to myself, "I will never learn how to breathe." The simplest approach is to say to myself, "I can breathe." or "I can recover from the hiccups." or "I can recover from chocking." or "I can choose to remember to relax my body so I can breathe in more simple and effective ways."

 

I can talk to my wife in more simple (less manipulative) ways. Instead of trying to get her to do something. I can simply say what I feel or what I need without the expectation that she will take care of it for me. I can make a plan to take care of the feeling or need myself. I can choose to use my ability to communicate to let people know how I am feeling, what I am needing and how I am taking care of myself. I can choose not to start a power struggle by telling them what they should do to take care of me so I can finally feel better and stop blaming them.

 

When I am breathing, eating, drinking and going to the bathroom in more simple ways I find that I feel better. I feel better no matter what is going on around me. When I treat myself with the simple respect of simple self care I am loving myself. And then and only then will I feel loved. I am the only one who can know what I feel and what I need. I am the only one who can use what I know about my own feelings and needs to make a plan to take care of those needs. I feel more powerful (and much safer) when I know how to find out what I feel and need, make a plan that might work, carry out that plan for myself and then notice what worked and didn't work about my trial plan.  Then I can stay in the process of continuing to improve the plan.

 

Another sort of self care happens after a while when I am getting better at taking care of my own feelings and needs. Sometimes people realize, in the process of sharing feelings, needs and plans with others, that if we can talk and listen together about what our individual needs are and what our individual feelings are and what our individual plans are, we find that we have much in common. We can then do the hard and mature work of not compromising. Instead of focusing on what we disagree on and manipulating each other to get agreement, we can choose to find out what we already agree on and then choose to agree to do whatever that is and then choose to act upon those agreements. Nobody changes around someone else's demands.  No one has to lie or be otherwise complicated about their feelings and needs. Everybody develops.

 

When we love each other but we don't feel safe together it is often because I am expecting you to take care of my feelings and you are expecting me to take care of your feelings. When we can learn that it is my job to take care of my feelings and your job to take care of your feelings we are also learning how to experience more safety when we are together. When we experience more safety it is possible for intimacy to begin to grow. Learning how to be someone's beloved or someone's mother or father in a family is the most intimate thing humans do. It is also the most difficult thing humans do. When we increase the safety between us by respecting each others free will we begin to feel less stuck in problems. We begin to move through problems. We get stuff done. The function of being a Father or a Mother is to show children how to mover through problems.  The function of being someone's beloved is to move through my own problems and witness my beloved as they move through their problems... and move through the stages of life together.

 

As it turns out, when I take care of my self and stop blaming others when I have feelings or needs, the people around me begin to feel loved by me and they will begin (over time) to be more respectful and things usually go better... for me. My hope and my power is that I can learn how to take care of my own feelings and needs. When I do... any relationship can become a place where we enjoy being together because it is a safe place. We will also accomplish things. We will reach goals. We will get things done. Some of my needs will be met. Some of your needs will be met.

 

You are never responsible or obligated to take care of my feelings and needs and I am never responsible or obligated to take care of your feelings and needs.  We can witness each other's lives more and more effectively and with increasing emotional safety as we practice communication and boundary skills.  Our shared sense of intimacy will increase.  We will find ourselves collaborating on more and more complicated tasks with increasing success.

 

We will both begin to feel that we are very well taken care of.

I know for sure that there are predators.

I know that you and I are predators.

Humans are the most successful predators on the planet.

 

I know that I sometimes disregard your free will acting like it is my right to get you

     to take care of my needs.

I know that sometimes you disregard my free will acting like it is my job

     to take care of your needs.

I am fearful of those out there who will disregard

     my right to my voice, my freedom, my body, and my life.

 

I notice that I often disregard

     my own voice, my own freedom, my own body, and my own life.

 

Where is my spirit? Where is my motivation?

 

Where do meaning and purpose and motivation come from?

 

Do you and I have any potential beyond fearful defenses in

     a world of predators?

 

The answer becomes yes‚ only when I can believe that you

     have the intention to value my free will.

 

The answer becomes yes‚ only when I have the intention to

     value your free will.

 

The answer becomes yes‚ only when I believe that I have the

     intention to value my own free will.

 

I am valuing your free will only when I absolutely accept,

     respect and defend your, NO and your, STOP.

I am valuing your free will only when I absolutely accept,

     respect and defend my own, NO and my own STOP.

 

My bleak days are when I am forgetting my free will or yours.

 

My bleak days turn into days of accomplishment when I affirm that I have choice.

ON A BLEAK DAY I DOUBT THAT I CAN CREATE SAFETY FOR MYSELF

02-28-10

GOOD PARENTING?    02-28-10

I used to think a good parent was one who had well behaved children. Now I know a good parent is one who is well behaved when the children are not.

 

Mount Vernon Parent’s Night Parent

IS THERE A LANGUAGE?    02-28-10

Is there a language

For this girl child to tell me

What has happened to her?

 

How can she tell a story

When there is no mouth?

 

How can she hear a story

When there are no ears?

 

How can she see her self

When there are no eyes?

 

No breath without fear

Watchful without hope of sight

 

There is no play

There is no heal

 

Is there a language

For this boy child to tell me

What has happened to him?

 

How can he tell a story

When there is no mouth?

 

How can he hear a story

When there are no ears

 

How can he see him self

When there are no eyes?

 

No breath without fear

Watchful without hope of sight

 

There is no play

There is no heal

 

Is there a language

For this woman to tell me

What has happened to her?

 

How can she tell a story

When there is no mouth?

 

How can she hear a story

When there are no ears?

 

How can she see her self

When there are no eyes?

 

No breath without fear

Watchful without hope of sight

 

There is no play

There is no heal

 

Is there a language

For this man to tell me

What has happened to him?

 

How can he tell a story

When there is no mouth?

 

How can he hear a story

When there are no ears?

 

How can he see him self

When there are no eyes?

 

No breath without fear

Watchful without hope of sight

 

There is no play

There is no heal

IS THERE A LANGUAGE?    02-28-13

WHEN I CLENCH MY FISTS    02-28-10

When I clench my fists no one can give me anything and I can not pick up anything.

 

Anonymous

I CAN REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE NOT CLAY FOR ME.   02-28-10

I can remember you are not clay for me. You are not for me. You belong only to you. I belong only to me. Whether you are my friend, my enemy, my beloved or my child, my parent or my brother or sister or my neighbor, my customer or someone I need to protect myself from or someone who needs porotection from me. I have no say about you.

 

I have say only about me. I have say about what comes from my mouth and what I do with my body. I have say about what I do with my focus and attention. I have say about what I spend my time doing and who I choose to spend my time with. I have say about where I put my eyes, were I focus my ears and which direction I step. I have say about what I eat and what I drink. I can remember you are not clay for me.

 

I can remember that I am not clay for me. I deserve the same respect I give to you from my self. I deserve not to be pushed around by my self, abused by myself or belittled or harassed by myself. I deserve encouragement and respect from myself as a child would deserve the same from it’s parent. You also deserve this from me.

 

I can remember that I am not clay for you. I can remember that what I let into my body (into my mouth, my ears or any other part of my body) from the outside is always and only my choice.

FIRST BLOG ENTRY     02-28-10

I am just getting used to this whole blog deal. I feel powerful and powerless all at once. The idea of having a place to publicly comment on a daily basis about my work and ideas regarding Family Therapy and our self time out tools strikes me as too big somehow. New things usually feel too big. Usually the feeling of too big is replaced by other feelings if I simply put one foot in front of the other. This is my first blog step. I will consult my body and see what I feel. Then I will make a plan.

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Chuck Britt, MA, LMFT and Connie Bonner-Britt, MA, LMHC

 

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